Thursday, October 29, 2009

Brutto

So, a girl walks into the ladies apparel section of a department store store and says, "I'm looking for something that says, 'Hideous Italian-esque Table Runner' What do you have?"


Luxurious Francesca Caftan The second you slip into this satiny-soft caftan, your escape to a pampering experience begins. Caressed by luxurious fabric that flows and drapes in a most beautiful way, you're free to relax and rejuvenate your spirit. Sumptuous poly in emerald, gold and sapphire tones. Machine washable. Imported. One size fits most. 54" long. $39.99

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Juice is Full of Sugar Anyway

Here's another one of those items that makes you wonder if it was ever tested in the real world.

It's so flawed, that it should have it's own TV show. Rock n' Pour Grandma, starring Betty White.


Okay, first of all, unless Grandma has a refrigerator the size of a Honda Civic, that big-ass piece of plastic is staying on the counter.

Second of all, Grandma has to lug the heavy container from the fridge and put it in this thing. And if she can handle that, she can certainly pour.

Third, just by looking at this picture, you know what is going to happen when Grandma loses her grip on the neck and that thing goes flying back the other way, spraying juice all over the kitchen.

Great. Now Grandma has to mop up the kitchen - if she doesn't slip on the spilled juice and break her hip first.

Maybe smaller containers would be a better idea if you're weaker than a newborn kitten.

Roll n' Pour rocking beverage server helps you pour beverages from bulky heavy bottles without spills or dropping the bottle. Easy to use. Just place the beverage in the cradle, rock it forward and pour at your own pace. Ideal for people with arthritis, weak hands or sore backs. Plastic, 13 1/4 x 6 1/4 x 8 $19.98

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Maybe They Should Have Left That Style Out

I'm having a hard time figuring out how this was marketed as a pearl necklace without the heavy use of quotation marks.

But what's even more perplexing is the suggested "style" shown below, on the left. Is that what I think it is?


HUSBAND: Here ya go bitch, happy birthday.

WIFE: God damn you! Give me that box!

(rips open the box)

HUSBAND: I hope you like it. That's all your getting, you know.

WIFE: A...fake pearl necklace? You son of a bitch! I should have known to lower my standards, considering that you're hung like a thumbtack.

HUSBAND: I knew you wouldn't like it, you fussy old hag.

WIFE: You know what? I've had it. I'm going to go kill myself!

HUSBAND: Really? You promise?

WIFE: Yeah. I promise.

HUSBAND: Well, actually, that necklace can be made into a noose. Here, let me show you how.

Lustrous luxurious pearls glow against evening wear, sweaters, blazers and dresses. Wrap yourself in a full 100 inch strand of 360 perfectly-matched, hand-knotted white pearls. You can wear this necklace with a single loop or multiple loops depending on your attire, even as a multi-strand choker. Pearls shimmer with a luminescent glow against dark fabrics. A magnificent value below $30... great gift for a friend! $29.99

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"High" Fashion

Fanny pack. Two of the most embarrassing words in the English language when put together. But how do you market these while avoiding their automatic stigma?

Call them "convertible carryalls"
Tell people they were "designed by flight attendants."


Convertible Carryall organizes days into nights with 14 separate pockets! Flight attendants designed this bag to travel lightly, yet find necessities in seconds. Carry it over your shoulder, by hand or clip it around your waist. Nylon carryall is 8 1/2" x 1" x 6"; strap adjusts to 52" long. $9.99

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Don't Be Such a Chicken Head

Have you ever wondered what a puking chicken looks like?


Just because it's "cute", that doesn't mean you need it. You wanna know how I separate eggs? I use a plastic slotted spoon. And so should you.

Crack in egg and pour...only white comes through. Dishwasher safe porcelain is 3" high, 2 1/2" wide. $3.99

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